The Art Spirit

I am currently reading The Art Spirit by Robert Henri, which is a guide of technical practices in painting along with wisdom and philosophy of art-making. It is filled with rich advice and great quotes. I highly recommend it to my peers.

I was reading a bit of it yesterday and found this passage to be relevant to my life currently:

"The wise draftsman brings forward what he can use most effectively to present his case. His case is his special interest- his special vision. He does not repeat nature... When a fine dancer appears before you in a very significant gesture, you are caught only by the folds of her drapery which respond to the great will in her movement. She has established in you a trend of interest. What enters your vision is only the sequences of this established interest. When gamblers play in luck, when they continue to win, seem to have a knowledge of how the card will turn, they may be said to have fallen in with one of the courses nature takes. They do not know it, but there are sequences and sequences, untold numbers of them overlaying, intermingling. Every movement in nature is orderly, one thing the outcome of another, a matter of constructive, growing force. We live our lives in tune with nature when we are happy, and all our misery is the result of our effort to dictate against nature. In moments of great happiness we seem to be with the universe; when all is wrong we seem to be alone, disjointed. Things are going on without us..." (Robert Henri, The Art Spirit)

I have always been interested in seeing patterns that occur through nature. There are curious turn of events that prompt success and failure despite what we can control. I am finding it important to learn to adjust to challenging circumstances, but most of all, to keep a good attitude whether it seems you are aligned with nature or not. Sometimes if everything seems to be against you, having a bad attitude and dwelling on these things only brings more misery and chances missed. But if you hold your head up and keep looking for opportunity, persistence will get you through these times, and you'll be better for it. Look for the good things and you will find them, maybe minor things at first, but it will progress. (Same with negative things- look for the bad and you will find an abundance that drags you down further).

Can I be honest here? I don't usually write about my personal life on this blog, but I'm struggling right now. In the context of Henri's passage, I've been dictating against nature for too many months. I made a commitment at the beginning of this year to start improving my attitude and doing the best I could to take care of my health, spiritually, mentally and physically. I have improved, and am excited about the vast possibility of growth (as always). I have been very financially challenged and although my lifestyle does not require much, it is debilitating in other ways. I tried to move to a larger city late last year, but this failed when I could not find a job fast enough. I was running out of money, so much to the point of planning my last trip to the city to accomplish everything in those few days from looking at the cheapest living space I could find to an interview that I had been granted at a wonderful firm in the city. This was planned all in the same 2 days to save on gas so I could deposit the rest on the shared room I found. The only problem was that it took substantially more to move in than 2 months rent. The interview was for a paid internship, and although it was a great opportunity and the firm liked my work, I couldn't start out with less than $2,000.

Furthermore, I damaged a friendship by taking advantage of someone when trying to find a job and get a start there. It was not my intention at all, but my lack of communication was a main factor here. I left the city discouraged and frustrated with myself, in desperate need of healing and a reevaluation of my so called dreams. I've used the time since then to change and improve. I felt that I had failed miserably by the whole experience, but at the same time, I learned things that could not have been taught to me any other way. I had two offers for internships and I know with everything in me that I could have made it if I had the money to start out, and that is encouraging.

I know who I am. Among many things, I am a dreamer, and this can be a blessing and a curse. There is so much I want out of life and I can feel the push of reality urging me to let go of the things it deems impossible or unfit for me. I am developing a judgement of knowing what to give up and what to keep, from personal qualities to ambitions. I won't grow to be satisfied and complacent if I do not achieve that which I have set out to do, yet I will learn to forfeit the extraneous for that which is more important overall. There are things which aren't worth sacrificing your values for, and there are other things that you must adjust to meet if you really want them. I am learning to enjoy the small things and looking for the good in these trying circumstances while keeping hope and a determination and not settling. As a dreamer, I will always push myself to be and accomplish more.

I know I need to be better, but furthermore, I know I can and I will, because I won't stop.